i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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