I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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