i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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