i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
