Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
