I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
