this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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