the day after is always just damage control
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
