The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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