What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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