Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Randomize
