It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
The best revenge is premature balding
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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