i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
