No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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