Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
