There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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