Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
