he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
