Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
