I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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