Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
