if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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