bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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