Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
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