I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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