i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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