Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
