So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
