Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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