i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
