Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
i think im in europe. pls send help
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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