either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Randomize
