it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
