How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
