I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
