You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
