I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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