1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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