Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
