You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
