whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
