i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
