I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
