My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
that's an acceptable place to lick
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
