I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
