So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Randomize
