i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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