If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
