I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
