She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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