i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
