WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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