Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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