I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
